Meeting Quintin

Preparing for Quintin

We went back to visit with Dr. Smith on Tuesday, April 22nd. Induction was set for the night of April 25th. We went home for a couple days so Chris could go back to work and so we could get a few things in order. 

For a short time I had the very unique experience of carrying our baby knowing that I would not be raising them in this life. It was hard. Every kick was precious. Because of our baby's condition we were told he or she could pass away at anytime. Every time I wondered if my sweet one was still there I got a never fail "Hi mom!" kick. Oh how I cherished those little movements. Such an incredible blessing. I don't know when a body is "quickened by the spirit." I don't know how it happens. All I know is I could feel my child's spirit and that I didn't have just a little body inside my belly, I had somebody.

After lots of prayers, Priesthood blessings and conversations with wonderfully supportive friends and family we headed to Logan, Utah to meet our angel. We were as ready as we would ever be.

Quintin's Birthday

Chris and I arrived at Logan Regional Hospital the night of April 25th. I would have rather been anywhere else in the world. We checked in at the desk on the Labor and Delivery floor and they took us back to our room. I was given a gown to change into. While I was changing I just wanted to run away. I didn't want to do what I had to do. I thought of my Savior when he prayed in Matthew 26:39 "...O my Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me: nevertheless not as I will, but as thou wilt." I wanted our baby to stay on earth with us. I wanted our baby to be healthy. I wanted this cup to pass from me. What I wanted and what the Lord needed from me where two different things. It was difficult to submit my will to His. Because of the Savior and His atonement Chris and I were given the strength and comfort we needed to endure the next several hours and the hard days that followed.

Our baby arrived the morning of April 26th, 2014 at 9:20am. He weighed 1 pound 7 ounces and was 10.6 inches long. We named him Quintin Curtis Suchan. Quintin means fifth. He is the 5th member of our Suchan Clan and the name seemed like a perfect fit. His middle name is my Grandpa Decker's first name. I remember after Grandpa Decker passed away I went in his room to say goodbye. I could still feel his spirit in the room and I told him he had a big job taking care of all his great grandchildren in heaven. I know he and Quintin are together doing a great work and serving the Lord.

Chris and I were able to spend the rest of our morning holding and kissing our sweet little angel. His spirit was no longer in his body but we could feel him so close. It was a perfectly heavenly experience.

It was incredible to see each perfect little detail of our baby boy.

Quintin had 10 tiny fingers and 10 tiny toes.
(That is Chris's ring around his foot, that is how small he was.)

He had a button nose just like Logan and Paige and the distinctive "Suchan brow."

I loved holding his hands.

The short moments we spent with Quintin were so precious and I will cherish them forever. One of the things I remember most was how "full" our room felt. It was a sterile hospital room but it felt warm and peaceful. With my eyes I could see my wonderful husband, our amazingly supportive parents, our darling baby boy and our caring doctor and nurses. With my heart I could feel concourses of angels around us. The amount of love and support we felt from our family beyond the veil was overwhelming. I knew then and I know now that because we chose to get sealed in the temple this was not the last time I would see Quintin. He was ours forever. I also knew he would be well taken care of. I remember feeling over and over "Mom, I love you. I am okay." We thank our Heavenly Father every day for the eternity of families and for the knowledge that we will not be apart for long. 

It is our privilege to be Quintin's parents.

We had two incredible organizations that offered support and helped us preserve our precious moments with Quintin. The photos above were taken by Amber Rust at Two Color Photography. She is part of an organization called Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. Before I delivered Quintin I called my friend Chana for some advise. She is also a mom of an angel. She told me about NILMDTS and contacted them to come take photos for us in the hospital. At first I was hesitant. I knew this would be an incredibly difficult experience. Pictures? How would I feel every time I saw these pictures? Wouldn't they be too painful to look at? Chana said that even if I never looked at the pictures, at least I would have them. Someday I may want to look at them. Priceless advise. The photos are incredibly hard to look at but I will cherish the them forever. The other organization is called Share Parents. They are a Cache and Box Elder County group that offers support for those that have lost babies. After Q was born they clothed him, made molds of his tiny hands and feet and took a few photos. We are eternally grateful for the service these two incredible organizations offered us at a very difficult time.

The News About Quintin

Boy or Girl

The day had finally come! We were going to see our baby again and find out if we were expecting a boy or a girl. I remember that from the beginning of the pregnancy the 20 week appointment was something I looked forward to. I hoped that all the worry and stress I had been experiencing would go away after seeing that our baby was fine. 

On our way to the doctor's office I sent out a message to our family letting them know we were on our way to our ultrasound appointment. I asked everyone to send me back their guesses, boy or girl. I was convinced we were having a boy (3 for 3, just for the record. hee hee!) We were excited and anxious as we sat in the waiting area to be called back. The Ultrasound Tech came out to get us after a short wait. I remember thinking "Here we go" on our way to the room. 

First came the warm gel on my belly and then the probe. I remember seeing our babies head, heart and then the tech stopping on a black area. I knew from past experience that black on an ultrasound means fluid. I also knew from all the questions I asked with Logan and Paige that one area with fluid is the stomach. I ask the tech if that is what we were looking at. He said "Nooooo...." a long pause and then "Megan, I think we have a problem."

The Tech left to room to go get Dr. Smith. Chris grabbed my hand and I remember saying "I had a feeling something wasn't right. I wanted so badly to be wrong." 

Dr. Smith returned with the Tech after what felt like forever. As she looked at the ultrasound of our baby she explained what she was seeing. She saw a lot of fluid in the baby's abdomen. She told us that there was not suppose to be that much fluid and gave us 3 or 4 different reasons why it might be there. After talking with her about the why's and the what's she explained that the chances of our sweet baby surviving was very small and that we needed to see a specialist. We were devastated. As I started to fall deeper and deeper into despair I felt my Saviors love. It is hard to describe. Matthew 11: 28-30 became so real ...

28 Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 

29 Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

30 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. 

Heavy is a very good way to describe the way Chris and I felt. Our burden was made light as we relied on our Savior. Every time I felt the weight of despair and darkness of grief starting to overcome me I also felt a very real relief and comfort. It was not that my heart was no longer broken but it was strengthened to be able to handle the sorrow I was feeling. I was still sad but knew I was not alone in my trial. I know I have a Savior who loves me and I am so very thankful for the comfort and strength I received in my darkest hours.

Maternal Fetal Medicine

We were able to get an appointment with MFM at Odgen Regional that afternoon. Miracle! We thought we were going to have to wait until Monday for an appointment. For the first 90 minutes of our appointment they did an extremely thorough ultrasound of the baby. They did various scans of every organ and system. After the scan was done we met with Doctor Katherine Gesteland. She was absolutely wonderful. She showed us many of the scans that were done of our baby and explained what she saw. From the images her hypothesis was that all the fluid in the tummy was caused by the bladder bursting from not being able to empty. The other 2 less likely reasons for the fluid were an infection or a possible genetic abnormality. Because the bladder was unable to empty there was very little amniotic fluid. This made the ultrasound pictures very difficult to capture.

Hard to see pictures of our baby.

Dr. Gesteland very gently explained to us that based on what she saw from the scan she was quite certain that our baby would not live and could possibly pass away in utero at anytime. She asked that we come back on Monday for some blood work (to make sure this was not a genetic abnormality that could repeat), another ultrasound and a consultation with another specialist. She felt that it was important to get the opinion of the other doctors in the clinic.

When we went back on Monday we were given the exact same prognosis. We were advised to induce labor. As Chris and I knelt in prayer in the consultation room we felt very strongly that it was the right thing to do. Shortly after we left the office we received a phone call from Dr. Smith's office to schedule an appointment with them to discuss the next step.

Support and Love

As we made difficult phone calls and shared our sad news with family and friends we were absolutely overwhelmed with the out pouring of love and support. Friends broke into our home to leave us dinner. We were sent countless text and Facebook messages. Flowers and gifts were sent. We are so blessed to have so many amazing people in our lives. The support and love of others has made our journey so much easier. Thank you. It has been inspiring and has changed us forever. 

Expecting Quintin

I am the mom of an angel. I had the privilege to carry and give birth to our precious little boy, Quintin Curtis Suchan. He came to this earth to receive a body and has returned to live with our Heavenly Father. After he was born I was given the advice to write down the feelings and experiences we had with him. This is my way of preserving our time with him. I know we will meet again. Families are forever!

The Beginning

Chris and I found out we were expecting kiddo #3 in December of 2013. We were staying at Shalynn and Biege's house for Decker Christmas. I took a pregnancy test early one morning after a very nauseous night. We were so excited to see that little + sign!

Chris, Meg, Logan, Paige and Quintin (secretly in my tummy.)
Christmas 2013

Ultrasound

After much deliberation, Chris & I decided we were going to travel to Logan Regional for prenatal care and delivery of this little one. It would be a long drive from Star Valley were we lived, but it felt like the right choice. I was just shy of 13 weeks pregnant for our first appointment with Dr. Erica Smith. It was February 14th, Valentines day. We talked about what to expect for the next 27 weeks and then had our first ultrasound. I remember very clearly seeing our baby on the screen for the first time. I could not believe at 12 weeks (2 inches long, the size of a lime) that I could see 2 legs, 2 arms and a little head so clearly. While Dr. Smith was checking the ultrasound to see if everything looked normal, we saw our baby raise their arm from their side to their head.

Arm at the side.

Arm raised to their head.
I like to think of it as a wave :) "Hi mom!"

 It was a simple movement that totally blew me away. Everything looked great, made an appointment for 4 weeks later, and off we went. We were so excited to share our news!

The Announcement

The day after our first appointment we had a big Superhero/Princess birthday party for Logan and Paige. We invited both sides of the family to celebrate with us and we planned to announce we were expecting at the party. We had a delicious brunch, the kids played games and then it was time to open gifts. We ordered a special little shirt for Paige that said "Big Sister" on it. We put it in a purple polka dot gift bag with a butterfly on it in the corner. We made sure to save it for last. The kids were showered with presents from their awesome grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins. It was perfectly chaotic as we handed Paige her last present. As she pulled out her special shirt that said "Big Sister," one by one the family realized what it said and what it meant. We were so excited to share the news!

The purple polka dot butterfly bag in the corner is where we hid the surprise.

Our little diva's reaction to the news. Ha!

I remember showing everyone the ultrasound pictures at the party and feeling like it was too good to be true. I was so excited, but reserved for some reason. 

Weeks 13-21

My pregnancy with Quintin was different from my other two. I could never put my finger out how it was different, it just was. My doctor appointments went well, blood pressure was good, the baby was growing, and my symptoms were text book. I kept telling myself that everything was going to be fine, but I was just worried. I thought it was just that dang Penhallegon worry gene. It seems to run so rampant in our family. 

I popped at 16 weeks

Whenever Paige would lay on my tummy Quintin would kick "Hi!" He would only kick for her.

We tried to keep busy, positive and prepare for the baby to join our family in August.We were anxious to find out if we were going to have a brother or a sister! Then the real preparations could begin.

Go Aggies! Go Aggies! Hey Hey Hey!

The day after Christmas our Utah State Aggies played the Northern Illinois Huskies in the Poinsettia Bowl. This was the 3rd year in a row the Aggies qualified to go to a bowl game! When Chris and I were going to school at USU the football team rarely won and the games were poorly attended. Going to 3 bowl games in a row is fabulous! We could not be at the bowl game to support our Aggies so we decided to support them in our own way...We went bowling too!

 All 13 Suchans got decked out in Aggie gear and went to Bear River Bowling Center. We had a blast watching the kids heave their ball down the lane and jump up and down clapping with excitement when they knocked down their pins. I think we might have to keep up the bowling tradition because the Aggie beat the Huskies 21-14. Go Aggies! Go Aggies! Hey Hey Hey!

Santa Clause is Comin' to Town!

This year we spent Christmas with the Suchan family. There is never a dull moment when we get together. 

Some of the festivities this year...

• Lights: We went to see the Tremonton City light show. "I'll have a bluuuuuuuuuuuuuue Christmaaas without youuuuuuuuuuuuuuu. I'll be so bluuuuuuuuuuuue thinkiiiiiing about youuuuuuuu..." I was so impressed! 
• Nativity: The grandkids all participated in the 1st annual Nativity. It was adorable!
• Cuties: Logan was Joseph and Paige was an angel. So cute!
• PJ's: It would not be Christmas Eve without new jammies!
• Ukulele: Grandpa pulled out his Ukulele and played Christmas songs for the kids. Paige and Logan took turns strumming for him. Pretty precious.

Santa found us at Grandma and Grandpa Suchans house! Our elf Tony (named after Tony Stark of course...boys!) must have told him where we were going to be for Christmas.

Ironman and his name sake were caught one morning in the middle of a Jenga game. 

 Logan's favorite gift from Santa was his Avengers action figures. He had been talking about them since Thanksgiving. He told me over and over that he needed to tell Santa that he was a good boy and would like them for Christmas. Duke and Logan played with them for 3 days straight. Paige was most excited about the chocolate milk and fruit snacks Santa left in her stocking! She just wanted to play Avengers with the boys and didn't think her Princesses were that great. Ha! We have been so blessed with adorable kids who bring so much joy to our lives. We had a wonderful Christmas with them and our Suchan Family.

Holiday on Hold

The morning after Decker Christmas we were at Shalynn and Biege's getting ready to go back for more Christmas fun. Logan ran into the bathroom and told Chris and I he needed to throw up...he proceeded to throw up every 30 minutes for the next 24 hours. The next morning (Sunday,) after a very rough night, we decided Logan needed to go to an Insta-care. He was not keeping anything down and he was so dehydrated that he didn't have tears when he cried. We were so thankful to be in "The Big City" were there was an Insta-care and where we had family to watch Paige. Before we left we thought it would be best if Logan got a blessing. We talked to Logan about what a blessing was and asked if he would like one. He then look at Chris and Biege and said "Daddy and Jungle Biege will you please give me a blessing so Jesus can help me feel better and I can drink some white milk?" Such a tender moment. (He was so thirsty all he could think about was drinking milk! funny and so sad.) 

We went just down the road from ShaBiege's to the Riverton Hospital Insta-care. After Logan threw up in the waiting room a couple times they red flagged the poor guy and got us right in. They gave him a miracle drug that made him stop throwing up (Zofran,) 2 Otter Pops and, ta da! He was our boy again! When I was Logan's age I loved Otter Pops. I could eat them endlessly. This kid is not an Otter Pop or popsicle fan. He tried to convince the doctor 10+ times he didn't really need the Otter Pops. He muscled a green and then a blue Otter Pop down so he could finally have a drink of water!  It was so cute watching him push himself to finish.

After a much needed meal of crackers and bananas and a good night sleep our Logan was himself again. Pretty sure after this tummy bug I know all the tricks in the book to help a sick kiddo feel better. If only I could get Zofran without a prescription. We were sad our Christmas holiday with the Decker came to a screeching halt, but we were glad Logan had a speedy recovery!

Decker Christmas

Every Christmas season is filled with family and tons of fun. We enjoy living close enough that we can spend the holidays with those we love. The weekend before Christmas we had our Decker Christmas celebration. We wish we could be in two places at once on Christmas day! We were spoiled with gifts, delicious food and the best company around. We wish we could spend more time with everyone! 

Our "Christmas Eve" feast of funeral potatoes, ham, salad and rolls. So delicious!