Until We Meet Again

Family Time

Quintin is one of our kids. We wanted our family to see his tiny body and feel his sweet spirit. We chose to have a viewing and a family prayer before we drove to the cemetery in Salt Lake for his graveside service. We were able help Logan and Paige understand better that Quintin's body was there but his spirit was with Heavenly Father. It was a special time. Peaceful. Tear filled. Heavenly. 

Quintin wore an outfit made by Grandma Suchan, a blanket made by Grandma Decker (from Grandma Pen's yarn) and booties made by our friend Hope Hansen. Such an outpouring of love.

Grandpa Suchan said the family prayer before we drove to SLC. He offered words of wisdom, love and comfort. It was wonderful. 

The Drive 

On the way down to SLC for Quintin's graveside service we received a much awaited phone call. After Quintin's ultrasounds and prognosis, I had a blood test done to determine if his condition was genetic. If it was, it was more likely this could occur again with future children. The thought of going through another loss was just too much. The woman on the other end of the phone told me that he did not have a genetic disorder. I cried tears of joy. I felt so relieved. The thought of getting pregnant again at that time was terrifying, but it gave me hope. We were later told that Quintin's illness was classified as Potter's Syndrome (a term to describe dramatically decreased amniotic fluid as a result of renal disease.) It is very rare to have repeat occurrences within a family. It was much needed good news.

Graveside Service

We had a simple graveside service for our little angel. As we drove into the parking lot of the cemetery were greeted by loving friends and family. I can not express to you how much it meant to us to have so much support. Thank you to those who came.

Chris carrying Quintin's casket to the service.
Our wonderful friend Holly Johnson took pictures for us at Quintin's Service. 

Chris carried Quintin's tiny casket across the grass to his burial place. He is buried in the same cemetery as my parents will be (someday FAR in the future) and grandparents. The service was short, simple and special. Chris began the service with a humble prayer. My dad then said a few words about our angel and offered counsel. A highlight for me from his remarks was when he called Quintin a "Valiant Warrior." Those words rang so true to me. That is how I continue to picture him, fighting for truth and righteousness. After dad's remarks we sang the song "I am a Child of God." The words we sang were...

I am a child of God,

And he has sent me here,

Has given me an earthly home

With parents kind and dear.

Lead me, guide me, walk beside me,

Help me find the way.

Teach me all that I must do

To live with him someday.

We originally chose that song so Logan and Paige could sing it too. I am so grateful for those words. It was perfect. "Teach me all that I must do, to live with Him someday." That is truly my wish. I want to do all I can do so I am worthy to live with my Savior, my son and my family someday.

 The service concluded with Grandpa Stallings dedicating the grave. After the service we had Logan and Paige put their little flowers on Quintin's casket.

Family Picture

We gave hugs and thanked everyone for coming. Logan and Paige were ready to get out of the cold and wind and I knew it was time to go. I watched as everyone walked back to the cars. I knew it was time to go but I just couldn't get my feet to move. I fell apart at the thought of leaving. I didn't want to leave. Reality sunk in and sorrow overwhelmed me. As I looked up I saw Chris running back toward me. He held me as I sobbed. He held me as we walked away. He still holds me when I have hard days. I thank my Father in Heaven everyday for that sweet man. 

This is a bouquet that was sent to us from my Aunt Chris and her wonderful kids. It was called "Angels Wings."
White flowers still remind me of Quintin.  

After

Chris, Logan, Paige and I returned that evening to our home in Wyoming. The days, weeks and months that followed were arduous. I was not the best mom, wife, or friend. I just did the best I could. Some days I was just mad. Some days I was sad and stayed in my PJ's all day long. Thankfully, most days I was happy. It has been an absolute roller coaster ride of emotions. 

Everyday we think about our Quintin. He is with us and is ours forever. 

Just Hard

The Hardest Goodbye

After Quintin was born and I was feeling well enough, we were transfered up to the postpartum floor. I have only a few memories of the time we spent there. I remember my wonderful husband using the Priesthood he held to give Quintin a name. I remember giving my baby boy one last kiss and handing him to a very sweet & teary nurse. I remember watching him being wheeled away, the door closing and just sobbing with Chris. After just a few moments I missed him so deeply.

Dr. Smith cleared me to go home shortly after Quintin was born. She said whenever I felt good enough to go she would discharge me. I was not sure if I would ever feel "good" again. My heart was broken. I got dressed, we gathered our things and we left. Leaving the hospital without our baby was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I wanted Quintin to come home with us. I wanted him to share a room with his big brother Logan. I wanted to watch him grow. What I wanted and what the Lord's plan for this special little boy were two different things. We got in our car and left the hospital late that afternoon.

The In Between

The days between Quintin's birth and burial were hard. They were full of tears and decisions. They were also full of love, tender mercies and laughter.

Love

Oh let me count the ways. The love that we were shown during this difficult time was absolutely overwhelming. Sweet text messages touched our hearts. Beautiful flowers brightened the darkest of days. Selfless acts of service made our burden lighter. Alma talks in The Book of Mormon about how when we "...come into the fold of God..." we make a promise  "... to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort." Through the Christlike examples of family and friends I have come to understand this scripture more fully. Even the simplest of gestures meant so much. It was inspiring.  

Tender Mercies

Chris and I chose to have a graveside service and burial for Quintin. When we met with the funeral home to discuss details they asked us if there was a picture or image we would like to use on the program. They had a few images on file with teddy bears and little feet but they didn't seem to fit what we wanted his service to be. We asked if we could go search for an image and send it to them later that day. This is the image we found...

It is called "In His Constant Care" by Simon Dewey. It was perfect. A tender mercy in picture form. I was so thankful for a depiction of what I had pictured in my mind so many times. We now have this picture framed in our home and I feel comfort each time I look at it. 

Laughter

I was raised by the master of laughter, my Dad. I remember growing up, even when he was going through chemotherapy, he would laugh and make us laugh with him. I learned that laughter truly is the best medicine. At this time, this lesson was extremely hard to apply. I just didn't feel happy. Chris was the cure for that. I could not have asked for a more supportive, loving and encouraging companion. He always knew when I needed a hug, a walk or a pep-talk. Every time we talked laughter filled the room. It started to heal my wounded heart.

Logan & Paige

When Quintin was born our kids were 4 and 2. They were very young but knew there was a baby in mommy's tummy. We talked about our baby often.  We asked them if they thought they were going to have a new baby brother or sister. Their answers varied, just depended on the day. We asked them what we should name our baby. They usually came up with names of friends or cartoon characters. Cuties. The idea of a new sibling was exciting.

Telling our kids about their brother's passing was incredibly difficult. We explained that our baby was a boy and his name is Quintin. We did our best to explain that his body didn't work and his spirit was now back with Heavenly Father. I was amazed by the understanding of our small children. I will never forget Logan's reaction. A few minutes after we told him about what had happend and a few clarifying questions he started to cry. We asked him why he was crying. I will never forget his response, "I just miss my best friend." This was another testimony building moment of the reality of eternal families . I have no doubt that Logan knew Quintin before this life and that he will see his best friend again. This is a memory I will always cherish.