The Hardest Goodbye
After Quintin was born and I was feeling well enough, we were transfered up to the postpartum floor. I have only a few memories of the time we spent there. I remember my wonderful husband using the Priesthood he held to give Quintin a name. I remember giving my baby boy one last kiss and handing him to a very sweet & teary nurse. I remember watching him being wheeled away, the door closing and just sobbing with Chris. After just a few moments I missed him so deeply.
Dr. Smith cleared me to go home shortly after Quintin was born. She said whenever I felt good enough to go she would discharge me. I was not sure if I would ever feel "good" again. My heart was broken. I got dressed, we gathered our things and we left. Leaving the hospital without our baby was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I wanted Quintin to come home with us. I wanted him to share a room with his big brother Logan. I wanted to watch him grow. What I wanted and what the Lord's plan for this special little boy were two different things. We got in our car and left the hospital late that afternoon.
Dr. Smith cleared me to go home shortly after Quintin was born. She said whenever I felt good enough to go she would discharge me. I was not sure if I would ever feel "good" again. My heart was broken. I got dressed, we gathered our things and we left. Leaving the hospital without our baby was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I wanted Quintin to come home with us. I wanted him to share a room with his big brother Logan. I wanted to watch him grow. What I wanted and what the Lord's plan for this special little boy were two different things. We got in our car and left the hospital late that afternoon.
The In Between
The days between Quintin's birth and burial were hard. They were full of tears and decisions. They were also full of love, tender mercies and laughter.
Telling our kids about their brother's passing was incredibly difficult. We explained that our baby was a boy and his name is Quintin. We did our best to explain that his body didn't work and his spirit was now back with Heavenly Father. I was amazed by the understanding of our small children. I will never forget Logan's reaction. A few minutes after we told him about what had happend and a few clarifying questions he started to cry. We asked him why he was crying. I will never forget his response, "I just miss my best friend." This was another testimony building moment of the reality of eternal families . I have no doubt that Logan knew Quintin before this life and that he will see his best friend again. This is a memory I will always cherish.
Love
Oh let me count the ways. The love that we were shown during this difficult time was absolutely overwhelming. Sweet text messages touched our hearts. Beautiful flowers brightened the darkest of days. Selfless acts of service made our burden lighter. Alma talks in The Book of Mormon about how when we "...come into the fold of God..." we make a promise "... to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort." Through the Christlike examples of family and friends I have come to understand this scripture more fully. Even the simplest of gestures meant so much. It was inspiring.
Tender Mercies
Chris and I chose to have a graveside service and burial for Quintin. When we met with the funeral home to discuss details they asked us if there was a picture or image we would like to use on the program. They had a few images on file with teddy bears and little feet but they didn't seem to fit what we wanted his service to be. We asked if we could go search for an image and send it to them later that day. This is the image we found...
It is called "In His Constant Care" by Simon Dewey. It was perfect. A tender mercy in picture form. I was so thankful for a depiction of what I had pictured in my mind so many times. We now have this picture framed in our home and I feel comfort each time I look at it.
Laughter
I was raised by the master of laughter, my Dad. I remember growing up, even when he was going through chemotherapy, he would laugh and make us laugh with him. I learned that laughter truly is the best medicine. At this time, this lesson was extremely hard to apply. I just didn't feel happy. Chris was the cure for that. I could not have asked for a more supportive, loving and encouraging companion. He always knew when I needed a hug, a walk or a pep-talk. Every time we talked laughter filled the room. It started to heal my wounded heart.Logan & Paige
When Quintin was born our kids were 4 and 2. They were very young but knew there was a baby in mommy's tummy. We talked about our baby often. We asked them if they thought they were going to have a new baby brother or sister. Their answers varied, just depended on the day. We asked them what we should name our baby. They usually came up with names of friends or cartoon characters. Cuties. The idea of a new sibling was exciting.Telling our kids about their brother's passing was incredibly difficult. We explained that our baby was a boy and his name is Quintin. We did our best to explain that his body didn't work and his spirit was now back with Heavenly Father. I was amazed by the understanding of our small children. I will never forget Logan's reaction. A few minutes after we told him about what had happend and a few clarifying questions he started to cry. We asked him why he was crying. I will never forget his response, "I just miss my best friend." This was another testimony building moment of the reality of eternal families . I have no doubt that Logan knew Quintin before this life and that he will see his best friend again. This is a memory I will always cherish.
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